I’m a survivor. It’s not always easy but I’m discovering that about myself and I’m proud of it. As you wrote in a previous article, part of surviving the worst that life can throw at you is having a sense of gratitude for what you still have and what you are. But there is an important caveat here. It is important to realise that finding things to be grateful for and positive about does not erase hurts of the past. Don’t assume that because I have found reasons to smile, I no longer suffer from what has happened in the past. If you’re ever tried to help someone having a tough time by pointing out that somewhere in the world people are doing worse, (I hope you haven’t) you’ll appreciate the truth of this statement. So having made that point, this is what my gratitude looks like: I’m grateful for my house, despite it feeling empty and not a home anymore.
I’m grateful to not be hungry, as much as cooking for one sucks. I’m grateful to be able to afford groceries, even though I have no one to help me carry them. I’m grateful to have a warm bed, despite there being no one to fall asleep with. I’m grateful for my job where I am appreciated and gives me financial security, as much as keeping a house on one income is hard. I’m grateful for my beautiful pup, who fills my heart with his love and loyalty even though it’s hard to care for him on my own. I’m grateful for my health, even though lasting happiness eludes me. I’m grateful to be strong enough to face another day even when my nights are overcome by hurt and pain. I’m grateful to be able to run, which gives me peace, despite being slow and always coming last. I’m grateful for the chance to rest, despite 4am being my loneliest hour. I’m grateful for my integrity, my values, my heart full of kindness and compassion, my generosity and selflessness; even though it makes me vulnerable to being taken advantage of. I’m grateful for my courage and approach to life, even though I break hard some days. I’m grateful to have hope, if only a tiny amount left and it’s hard to hold onto. I’m grateful to have the resolve to not change myself, despite the actions of others. I’m grateful for perspective, despite losing my world and the life I loved. I’m grateful that I am gracious and still able to smile, even though I can be full of anger. I’m grateful for knowing my value and who I am, whilst remaining open and accepting of what other people can bring to my life. I’m grateful for a social life I can barely keep up with, even though it can burn me out. I’m grateful for my amazing life, full of people, fun, adventures and doing new things, despite the massive void of emptiness I feel. I’m grateful for my male friends who are gentle and kind towards me, who make me feel safe, despite how hard it is for me to trust again. I’m grateful for my friends who have seen all my tears, been my strength when I’ve had none even though they can’t stop my heartbreak. I’m grateful for the people who admire me, as I have no desire to prove myself to anyone who can’t see it for them-self. I’m grateful for old friends who feel like family and new friends who feel like they have been forever, even though I’m not always easy to be around. I’m grateful for the people who leave me happier and my heart fuller from being in their presence, despite not being able to fill the hole in my heart. I’m blessed in so many ways but my heart will always break for the one I loved the most, the one who hurt me the most, the one who was the cruellest to me. I know I have much to be grateful for. I really do. But our emotions are not always rational. We can sometimes feel two seemingly contradictory emotions simultaneously. I'll know when I'm recovered, but it may take longer than you might think. Until then I will continue to survive and be grateful for all the small wins, even as I hurt.
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AuthorThe guest blog is open to anyone that wants to make a point and is willing to do so respectfully. Archives
January 2018
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