Sticks and stones may break my bones, but bones will heal. Words do damage you may never see and that may never heal.
Unless you have the same connection to real the world as Cory Bernardi, you might have noticed the media attention around the treatment of Adam Goodes by football fans.
For the record, I don’t actually think that everyone that boos the Sydney player is necessarily a racist (although a lot are), but that doesn’t actually make them any better than those that are. You can read my full opinion on the Adam Goodes controversy here, but I think it really brings into focus the fact that people’s words and actions can have impact they don’t intend, and we need to start taking more responsibility for the consequences, not just our intentions.
“What’s wrong with a bit of banter?”
The archaic phrase, “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me,” has passed its use-by-date.
I would suggest the hurt (or good) you can cause through a few well-chosen (or poorly-chosen) words can actually exceed the hurt that is caused by physical violence. I should be very explicit that I don’t want to diminish the significant issue of physical violence in our society. I feel that those people who quickly resort to physical violence are often intellectual and emotional cowards who lack the strength or willingness to cope with a challenging situation.
But what I really want to talk about is the effect we can have on others with our own words and behaviours. I actually had the idea of writing about this a few months ago (before I had even started work on my website) having seen the impact of negative words on a friend of mine whose warmth, humour and dynamism usually made them a joy to be around. The unwarranted criticism allows anxiety, frustration and anxiety to creep into an otherwise beautiful personality.
I must admit, elsewhere on this site, I will have a bit of fun at the expense of various public figures, based on their behaviour, but I think carefully about the potential impact of every joke I make (and delete half of them because I decide they have the potential to cause offence).
There is certainly a difference between playful sometimes competitive, usually reciprocated banter, and persistent uninvited criticism or derision.
To be fair, a lot of adults socialise with a lot of the former and it is perfectly reasonable, as long as all participants view it that way. But we don’t always view it that way. Our past experiences shape our perceptions in a unique way so we don’t know the lens through which our words will be interpreted, and hence can’t always know their impact.
This is one reason I really object to the widespread acceptance of sledging and trash talk in sport that I believe sets the example that abusive spectators follow under the flimsy pretence of ‘passion.’ It is even now pervasively making its way into reality game shows and other parts of society.
“It’s just a bit of fun. They just need to harden up a bit.”
Thanks Dr Armchair. Do they though? And do you understand what neuropsychological processes that will require of the person you have just prescribed the, ‘harden up,’ treatment for? If you know anyone with a mental illness such as depression or anxiety, you would realise just how difficult it can be for someone to ‘harden up.’
If you don’t know of any of your friends suffering either of these conditions, just consider that for a moment. According to the White Cloud Foundation, depression and anxiety will strike 1 in 7 and 1 in 4 people respectively. Unless your name is Joffrey Lanister (which would be unfortunate), it is statistically likely that at least one of your friends may suffer from such a condition. Do you have such a lucky group of friends and family? Or have none of them felt comfortable sharing their burden with you because they don’t expect any understanding or support. What kind of friend are you then?
So am I responsible for when other people are oversensitive?
Look, let’s be honest. Some people really are oversensitive and can take offence at the slightest provocation. Am I asking everyone to tiptoe around those people? Not really, but you don’t have to go out of your way to upset them either. Do I wish everyone had a bit of a sense of humour about themselves and would engage their resilience before letting themselves become upset? Absolutely, but I don’t know what past expectations from past experiences people are filtering their perception through. Telling someone to be more resilient is about as effective as telling someone to be to be funnier, braver or more intelligent.
The only way I can see that someone we might think of as oversensitive might learn to forestall their fight or flight response, would be for them to develop the trust that when they say something crosses the line, the behaviour will stop (something that certainly hasn’t happened for Goodes).
"I didn’t mean to upset them,"
I have heard those words or a variant of them so many times in my life- from children and adults. In the end, it is little consolation that you didn’t intend to upset someone, if that is the actual consequence.
If I don’t mean to hurt someone with a reckless tackle or hit someone in my car, my harmless intentions do nothing to reduce the severity of the injury. Obviously it is a little better that these things be unintended. I do reserve a special contempt for those who do seek to cause injury or distress to those around them. The point is, whether I meant to or not, if my actions contributed to physically hurting someone I would feel guilt and regret. I would probably seek to avoid repeating similar incidents. If I am a responsible and proactive person I will probably already take steps to avoid these kinds of accidents without having to learn from hurting someone the first time.
Our bodies are amazing things and, easily hurt as they are, can recover from frightful physical injuries (as I am discovering as we speak). For many people our psyches are more vulnerable and once damaged are much more difficult to repair. Consider that when you are choosing the words to others. Obviously we can’t fully predict what might be hurtful to others and we can still enjoy playful jokes and teasing with friends. But wouldn’t it be nice if everyone was as mindful of our about psychological safety as our physical safety?
For the record, I don’t actually think that everyone that boos the Sydney player is necessarily a racist (although a lot are), but that doesn’t actually make them any better than those that are. You can read my full opinion on the Adam Goodes controversy here, but I think it really brings into focus the fact that people’s words and actions can have impact they don’t intend, and we need to start taking more responsibility for the consequences, not just our intentions.
“What’s wrong with a bit of banter?”
The archaic phrase, “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me,” has passed its use-by-date.
I would suggest the hurt (or good) you can cause through a few well-chosen (or poorly-chosen) words can actually exceed the hurt that is caused by physical violence. I should be very explicit that I don’t want to diminish the significant issue of physical violence in our society. I feel that those people who quickly resort to physical violence are often intellectual and emotional cowards who lack the strength or willingness to cope with a challenging situation.
But what I really want to talk about is the effect we can have on others with our own words and behaviours. I actually had the idea of writing about this a few months ago (before I had even started work on my website) having seen the impact of negative words on a friend of mine whose warmth, humour and dynamism usually made them a joy to be around. The unwarranted criticism allows anxiety, frustration and anxiety to creep into an otherwise beautiful personality.
I must admit, elsewhere on this site, I will have a bit of fun at the expense of various public figures, based on their behaviour, but I think carefully about the potential impact of every joke I make (and delete half of them because I decide they have the potential to cause offence).
There is certainly a difference between playful sometimes competitive, usually reciprocated banter, and persistent uninvited criticism or derision.
To be fair, a lot of adults socialise with a lot of the former and it is perfectly reasonable, as long as all participants view it that way. But we don’t always view it that way. Our past experiences shape our perceptions in a unique way so we don’t know the lens through which our words will be interpreted, and hence can’t always know their impact.
This is one reason I really object to the widespread acceptance of sledging and trash talk in sport that I believe sets the example that abusive spectators follow under the flimsy pretence of ‘passion.’ It is even now pervasively making its way into reality game shows and other parts of society.
“It’s just a bit of fun. They just need to harden up a bit.”
Thanks Dr Armchair. Do they though? And do you understand what neuropsychological processes that will require of the person you have just prescribed the, ‘harden up,’ treatment for? If you know anyone with a mental illness such as depression or anxiety, you would realise just how difficult it can be for someone to ‘harden up.’
If you don’t know of any of your friends suffering either of these conditions, just consider that for a moment. According to the White Cloud Foundation, depression and anxiety will strike 1 in 7 and 1 in 4 people respectively. Unless your name is Joffrey Lanister (which would be unfortunate), it is statistically likely that at least one of your friends may suffer from such a condition. Do you have such a lucky group of friends and family? Or have none of them felt comfortable sharing their burden with you because they don’t expect any understanding or support. What kind of friend are you then?
So am I responsible for when other people are oversensitive?
Look, let’s be honest. Some people really are oversensitive and can take offence at the slightest provocation. Am I asking everyone to tiptoe around those people? Not really, but you don’t have to go out of your way to upset them either. Do I wish everyone had a bit of a sense of humour about themselves and would engage their resilience before letting themselves become upset? Absolutely, but I don’t know what past expectations from past experiences people are filtering their perception through. Telling someone to be more resilient is about as effective as telling someone to be to be funnier, braver or more intelligent.
The only way I can see that someone we might think of as oversensitive might learn to forestall their fight or flight response, would be for them to develop the trust that when they say something crosses the line, the behaviour will stop (something that certainly hasn’t happened for Goodes).
"I didn’t mean to upset them,"
I have heard those words or a variant of them so many times in my life- from children and adults. In the end, it is little consolation that you didn’t intend to upset someone, if that is the actual consequence.
If I don’t mean to hurt someone with a reckless tackle or hit someone in my car, my harmless intentions do nothing to reduce the severity of the injury. Obviously it is a little better that these things be unintended. I do reserve a special contempt for those who do seek to cause injury or distress to those around them. The point is, whether I meant to or not, if my actions contributed to physically hurting someone I would feel guilt and regret. I would probably seek to avoid repeating similar incidents. If I am a responsible and proactive person I will probably already take steps to avoid these kinds of accidents without having to learn from hurting someone the first time.
Our bodies are amazing things and, easily hurt as they are, can recover from frightful physical injuries (as I am discovering as we speak). For many people our psyches are more vulnerable and once damaged are much more difficult to repair. Consider that when you are choosing the words to others. Obviously we can’t fully predict what might be hurtful to others and we can still enjoy playful jokes and teasing with friends. But wouldn’t it be nice if everyone was as mindful of our about psychological safety as our physical safety?