Recovering from loss
The people we care about can be taken from our lives through a number of ways, including death, divorce, drug abuse or mental illness. I have no doubt that the pain of these losses can be just as acute and debilitating as any physical ailment, which is why they often require their own recovery process. While it can be a quite different experience to physical recovery, many of my observations about the difficulties of physical recovery also held true in the case of emotional recovery.
Grieving is a terribly exhausting activity, but restful sleep can be difficult to find. The unfairness of our loss can eat away at us in the quiet moments when we try to sleep. It is also a terribly uncertain time where part of the future envisaged has been taken away and is yet to be replaced with anything.
As with physical recovery I have a number of ideas about strategies that have helped me through emotional recovery. A lot of it isn’t rocket science and I don’t claim to be at cutting edge of research into grief and trauma counselling. On the other hand, sometimes when we are extremely emotional, even the most obvious ideas are not that at all, so I thought I would talk about what has worked for me and what I have observed as being helpful for others.
There is an important caveat to be made here, as I don’t want to be condescending or insensitive. Mourning is a unique experience for everyone. I am not blithely stating that the suggestions I share below will be possible or helpful to everyone. But I would like to think that some of them may resonate or provide some assistance for others who have experienced loss or who are going through the process.
Be selfish
As with physical misfortune, the sooner we are ready to accept the support of those around us the better. Suffering nobly and not accepting offered support has never been beneficial to me when I have tried to do so. Even when a number of people are touched by the same loss, it is ok to recognise when your needs are not the same as everyone else and you need your own space.
Be active and productive
Exercise and activity are not just good for you physically. The serotonin released by exercise has an uplifting effect on mood without the exerciser even having to think about it. As much as motivation can be hard to find, I always felt a lot better if I had done something with my day. It didn’t always have to be exercise either. Just something worthwhile to show the day had not been wasted away. This wasn’t always possible, but whenever I achieved it, I would feel more positive and sleep better.
Recognise that some things are beyond your control
This is not the same as saying, “Accept it and move on,” which would show a ridiculous lack of empathy. Some of the losses we have to endure are very difficult to accept and may take a long time. However, it is worth realising that the loss itself may be out of your control and your energy needs to be spent on the things that you can. Although I have not historically been that good at this, I have learned from the courage and discipline I have seen in some of my friends. Agonising about what you could have done to prevent a tragedy, why it happened or what you wished you said before it happened serve no purpose to you or anyone else. This goes doubly for continually trying to re-establish relationships severed due to divorce, drugs or mental illness when the other party has made it clear they see the relationship as over. This isn't to say you can't reach out once in a while, but you shouldn't do so, expecting things to have changed.
Be thankful
Even in the awful times of our lives, there is still much to be thankful for. It can be easy to forget these things and difficult to really believe it. But it is true. All of the support we have to help us get through grief is not something that should be taken for granted. We can also be thankful for the opportunity we had to share the life of wonderful people who is now lost to us. It doesn’t bring them back, but it is a mindset that has helped me to come to terms with my losses.
Give their memory meaning.
The most important mechanism I found and have observed in others for dealing with grief is ensure the memory of those we have lost lives on in a meaningful way. The randomness of the loss in itself is often a spur to me that reminds me of life’s impermanence and the importance of making the most of it, prompting me to make more time to spend with family and friends. I also like to take a particular quality I admired from those I have lost and trying to embody it as a lasting personal tribute. This further inspires me to go out and chase my dreams and goals, taking risks I might have been frightened of before, such as. I believe one of the biggest obstacles to people achieving their ultimate goals is a fear of failure that stops them even trying. When the finite and precious nature of life is brought starkly into focus by loss, it reminds me that failure is nothing to fear by comparison.
I am not religious, but as long as I keep challenging myself to reach for new goals, reminding myself of the importance of looking after those around me and championing qualities that defined those I have lost, I feel like something of them lives on with me.
Emotional recovery can be a challenging experience. To anyone going through it right now, my thoughts are with you as I write this. It does get better. Take my suggestions only if they are useful to you. There is no ‘proper’ way to grieve so don’t feel any pressure to behave anyway for others. Just do what you have to do to get through it.
The people we care about can be taken from our lives through a number of ways, including death, divorce, drug abuse or mental illness. I have no doubt that the pain of these losses can be just as acute and debilitating as any physical ailment, which is why they often require their own recovery process. While it can be a quite different experience to physical recovery, many of my observations about the difficulties of physical recovery also held true in the case of emotional recovery.
Grieving is a terribly exhausting activity, but restful sleep can be difficult to find. The unfairness of our loss can eat away at us in the quiet moments when we try to sleep. It is also a terribly uncertain time where part of the future envisaged has been taken away and is yet to be replaced with anything.
As with physical recovery I have a number of ideas about strategies that have helped me through emotional recovery. A lot of it isn’t rocket science and I don’t claim to be at cutting edge of research into grief and trauma counselling. On the other hand, sometimes when we are extremely emotional, even the most obvious ideas are not that at all, so I thought I would talk about what has worked for me and what I have observed as being helpful for others.
There is an important caveat to be made here, as I don’t want to be condescending or insensitive. Mourning is a unique experience for everyone. I am not blithely stating that the suggestions I share below will be possible or helpful to everyone. But I would like to think that some of them may resonate or provide some assistance for others who have experienced loss or who are going through the process.
Be selfish
As with physical misfortune, the sooner we are ready to accept the support of those around us the better. Suffering nobly and not accepting offered support has never been beneficial to me when I have tried to do so. Even when a number of people are touched by the same loss, it is ok to recognise when your needs are not the same as everyone else and you need your own space.
Be active and productive
Exercise and activity are not just good for you physically. The serotonin released by exercise has an uplifting effect on mood without the exerciser even having to think about it. As much as motivation can be hard to find, I always felt a lot better if I had done something with my day. It didn’t always have to be exercise either. Just something worthwhile to show the day had not been wasted away. This wasn’t always possible, but whenever I achieved it, I would feel more positive and sleep better.
Recognise that some things are beyond your control
This is not the same as saying, “Accept it and move on,” which would show a ridiculous lack of empathy. Some of the losses we have to endure are very difficult to accept and may take a long time. However, it is worth realising that the loss itself may be out of your control and your energy needs to be spent on the things that you can. Although I have not historically been that good at this, I have learned from the courage and discipline I have seen in some of my friends. Agonising about what you could have done to prevent a tragedy, why it happened or what you wished you said before it happened serve no purpose to you or anyone else. This goes doubly for continually trying to re-establish relationships severed due to divorce, drugs or mental illness when the other party has made it clear they see the relationship as over. This isn't to say you can't reach out once in a while, but you shouldn't do so, expecting things to have changed.
Be thankful
Even in the awful times of our lives, there is still much to be thankful for. It can be easy to forget these things and difficult to really believe it. But it is true. All of the support we have to help us get through grief is not something that should be taken for granted. We can also be thankful for the opportunity we had to share the life of wonderful people who is now lost to us. It doesn’t bring them back, but it is a mindset that has helped me to come to terms with my losses.
Give their memory meaning.
The most important mechanism I found and have observed in others for dealing with grief is ensure the memory of those we have lost lives on in a meaningful way. The randomness of the loss in itself is often a spur to me that reminds me of life’s impermanence and the importance of making the most of it, prompting me to make more time to spend with family and friends. I also like to take a particular quality I admired from those I have lost and trying to embody it as a lasting personal tribute. This further inspires me to go out and chase my dreams and goals, taking risks I might have been frightened of before, such as. I believe one of the biggest obstacles to people achieving their ultimate goals is a fear of failure that stops them even trying. When the finite and precious nature of life is brought starkly into focus by loss, it reminds me that failure is nothing to fear by comparison.
I am not religious, but as long as I keep challenging myself to reach for new goals, reminding myself of the importance of looking after those around me and championing qualities that defined those I have lost, I feel like something of them lives on with me.
Emotional recovery can be a challenging experience. To anyone going through it right now, my thoughts are with you as I write this. It does get better. Take my suggestions only if they are useful to you. There is no ‘proper’ way to grieve so don’t feel any pressure to behave anyway for others. Just do what you have to do to get through it.