I didn’t know what to expect from Metro, as I haven’t played against them in any competition for over a decade, but they certainly came to play in this game. From their early attack on the ball, it was clear they were more up for a fight than a Men’s Rights Activist on International Women’s Day (for the record I think men's health is a very important issue which is why it annoys me when it is trivialised and weaponised for cheap rhetorical point scoring). Beachside were also playing with intent and commitment, which made for a pretty scrappy start to the game. Metro had a couple of dangerous moments on the counter, but the longer the half wore on, the clearer it became that Beachside had an edge, with the backline of Holmesy, Timmy and Mo effectively quelling any attacking threats and finding it easy to work the ball out of defence to the midfield. Although, Zac and Harry’s pace up front was looking dangerous, the midfield and forwards were having more connectivity issues than the Coalition’s fibre-to-the-node plan for the NBN, resulting in few real goal-scoring opportunities for Beachside to make their advantage count on the scoreboard. So aside from a number of corners and a few scrambles inside the box, there was little concrete justification for Beachside to claim they were on top.
Beachside finally broke the deadlock near halftime when what we will generously (a bit too generous really) describe as Mo’s speculative chip into the penalty box found me on an acute angle. I was little danger from that angle (if I’m fair, I’m little danger with my head from straight in front) but a panicked defender charged into me anyway leaving the ground and hitting me front-on with a hip to the face. Shae converted the obvious penalty, although the Metro keeper got a hand to it and was a little unlucky not to keep it out, but every goal counts and having had to fight hard to take the lead, Beachside quickly reset, determined not to give it up. This determination was tested a minute later in Shae’s case, putting his body and reproductive capacity on the line to block a cross. Seriously, I haven’t seen a Hickey hit that hard outside of state parliament and had to double check the ball hadn’t been hit by Elise Archer. Beachside quickly put their foot down in the second half. With Metro put under increasing pressure their forward efforts were easily dealt with in defence. Fed by composed ball from the back, the Beachside midfield began to spread as quickly and aggressively as Corona Virus, and just as difficult to stop. Harry almost doubled the lead in the first minute after a great bit of passing on the left, but he squirted the shot just wide of the post. Soon after Simon somehow ballooned a header over the crossbar from one metre out of an open goal. But it wasn’t long before Beach extended their lead, with an intercepted ball out of the Metro defence quickly rebounding back into the penalty box, where Harry and Simon combined neatly to provide Simon a tap in. Metro had lost some of their shape by now and soon it was three-nil when their left back got more grabby than Harvey Weinstein, manhandling Harry under a deep cross and giving the referee no real alternative but to award a second penalty, which Bernie happily buried. I got dragged at this point (my most significant contribution for the game having been to get flattened in the penalty box), making way for Zac, who brought a bit more pace and attacking flair onto that side of the field. It seemed like Pullen was everywhere at times (although given the Pullen family made up 30% of the outfield players at the time, this was understandable). I would kind of like to tell you that we struggled after I went off but that would be a Peter Dutton-level lie of which I am not capable. Soon after I was off, Simon was in the right place at the right time for another close range goal and five minutes later, Holmes made it look elementary (a joke lame enough to be in The Mercury so I couldn’t not use it, could I?) with a headed goal from a corner to round out the scoring for a 5-nil victory. The game wrapped up shortly after and Beachside were awarded the winners’ trophy. I should pay some credit to Metro here too, as for all their obvious frustration and hardness at the ball, they didn’t resort to niggle or dirty play and continued to push to the end, managing a couple of half chances late.
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