I don’t like the term ‘discipline,’ to describe helping my young daughter to moderate her behaviour and in truth I didn’t expect to be even thinking about the idea until she was a few years older. But, having discovered that toddlers are a lot smarter than I realised, I suddenly had to work out a consistent strategy for reacting to behaviours I didn’t want to see continue. I recognise I have an existing bias against punitive parenting strategies, but am pretty comfortable saying there is little to be gained by making a two year old scared of me. However I also didn’t think it was too soon for her to see that I react very predictably (but also very calmly) to particular behaviours.
As a teacher, one of the mantras I repeat to myself regularly is that children are not just smaller version of adults who (sometimes) know a little bit less. Their ability to regulate their emotions and think calmly when under stress is not the same (again, sometimes- I have met a number of adults who make a lie of this). So it becomes important to understand what level of processing an individual is capable of and not hold expectations that set them up to fail. But equally, I think it is really important to have high expectations of children, whether they be my students or my daughter. So once I discovered that my daughter could already recognise patterns of behaviour and draw causal links, it was important I didn’t inadvertently create patterns of behaviour I didn’t want to see continue. Conversely, I wanted to help her understand that certain behaviours, especially confected tantrums, will not be effective in achieving what she wants.
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So it turns out infants are smarter than I realised. Way smarter.
As my daughter approached the age of two, the vocabulary her and her friends could use and understand was literally growing on a daily basis. This came as a bit of a surprise, as I had kind of expected it all to take a bit longer. But as much as the growth of their language skills blew me away, what I was even more surprised by was the awareness and strategic thinking skills the kids had already developed. I knew my daughter understood a lot of what was happening around her, because we would have conversations about whatever was happening all the time, but I didn’t realise how well she could identify behaviour patterns in the world around her and make predictions until she started recognising when I was going for a run based on what clothes I was wearing. And she didn’t just use the understanding of causation to predict- she used it to attempt to become more effective in getting what she wanted. I had gotten used to being able to proactively shape a situation to make it easier to get her to do the things she didn’t like doing, but soon she could see through that. Life quickly became a constant game of chess, with my daughter thinking a few moves ahead and me trying to catch up. It was a challenge I wasn’t expecting, but not one that I resent. I certainly have no intention of raising a meek or submissive daughter (I like to blame my wife’s genes, as she is also a very determined person), so I just embrace it. It is also really exciting to be able to have interesting conversations with her and part of what makes parenting so endlessly entertaining. Sometimes I can only try to stifle a helpless laugh when she sees me coming and shuts it down early. It will no doubt get even tougher as she gets older and smarter. At least it will keep my mind active for years to come. Isn’t that meant to help fight dementia? |
Dad thoughtsI haven’t had much chance to write much over the last couple of weeks. This has largely been to do with the birth of my daughter, which has had a profound impact on my life. As a corollary of this, a fair amount of my thoughts and observations may shift to the new topic of parenthood. I’m not planning on stealing from Sonia Kruger’s playbook and use the phrase, “as a parent,’ to make claims with no factual basis, but parenthood is a complex and fascinating area so I will be making a few comments about my experience of it. Archives
October 2020
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